Why don’t I enjoy it when my partner eats me out?

Not enjoying cunnilingus is nothing to be ashamed of, everyone has the right to set their own personal limits. What’s important is understanding where this feeling is coming from in order to figure out whether it’s just fleeting, whether it’s something that can be overcome or whether it just needs to be accepted as an aspect of your sexuality.

Beyond the narrative that’s laid out in magazines or supposed expectations in relationships, it’s important to remember that pleasure remains a private affair that can’t be dictated by others. If you feel embarrassment, disgust or even simply disinterest, it’s important to pay attention to these signs. Far from being something that happens on a whim, these reactions are often an indicator to a deeper need for confidence, understanding or a need to redefine one’s relationship with their body and their sexuality.

Cunnilingus assumes a certain amount of intimacy, more so than other forms of sex. The feeling of someone else’s face that close to your vulva can stir up a number of intrusive thoughts: What does my partner think of me right now? Do I smell bad? Am I normal? These types of worries, when mixed with the fear of being judged often create tension that makes it difficult, sometimes impossible to take pleasure from the situation.

Some people lack feeling in this area. Maybe oral contact isn’t stimulating enough, or maybe their partner’s movements don’t correspond to their preferences. It’s possible that the wet feeling of lips or tongue on the vulva brings about a feeling of disgust, as not everyone has the same level of sensory tolerance. Sometimes, it’s not necessarily the cunnilingus that bothers them, but more so the fact of concentrating so intently on that one area that is the problem.

Another thing stopping people can be the way they perceive cleanliness and hygiene. Worrying about being clean enough down there or anxiety regarding vaginal secretion can create unease, stopping one from being able to relax. Meaning it’s hard to feel pleasure when we’re unable to fully relax.

Sexuality is never limited to just the physical act: it involves the mind, the senses and one’s own personal history. If you’ve been through difficult times- traumatic events for example- linked to sex, cunnilingus can bring forth unpleasant memories or unconscious resistance to the situation. Even without the trauma aspect, certain people associate oral sex with a form of submission or vulnerability that makes them uneasy.

It can also be true that societal views add to the pressure. The way eroticism is sometimes represented in the media can lead us to believe that every single sexual act should be enjoyed, by everyone, without hesitation. Cunnilingus is sometimes seen as being a super exciting moment where orgasm is almost instantaneous. If, in reality, we don’t manage to reach orgasm, it’s possible to feel guilt, shame or a feeling of being inadequate. Once this spiral of negativity begins, even just the idea of receiving head can generate stress instead of pleasure.

Physical problems play a key role in the world of pleasure. Some people experience pain during oral stimulation, especially if they suffer from vaginismus, endometriosis, chronic irritation or repeated infections. In such instances, oral stimulation could be deemed as too aggressive, making the area more sensitive or even causing inflammation.

Hormonal changes are another important factor that can influence the libido and the sensitivity of the vulva or clitoris. At certain moments during the cycle, the body can react differently to touch, so what may be pleasurable on a certain day could be uncomfortable just a few days later.

The technique of the person giving head is also important. Moving too fast, not applying enough/applying too much pressure, a lack of communication… just a few factors that can reduce how much pleasure you get from the experience. If the caresses and the movements of the tongue aren’t to your taste, it makes sense that you don’t take pleasure from them.

However, frustrations could build on both sides if there’s no communication between partners. From your point of view, you may feel discomfort or boredom taking part in something you don’t enjoy. From your partner’s point of view, there could be a misunderstanding that, over time, could eat away at their confidence. Vocalising your feelings, explaining that it’s nothing against your partner, that it’s more to do with personal unease or an absence of satisfaction can help to reduce some of the pressure.

The issue could be temporary, linked to certain things like stress, fatigue or a brief period of discomfort. In this case, taking things slowly can help. Take the time to try out different positions, to guide your partner towards the rhythm and pressure that works for you, or switch it up with other forms of stimulation so the focus isn’t solely on that one area.

Some people do a bit of self exploration (masturbation, using mirrors, etc.) in order to better understand their feelings. Knowing your own anatomy and your own tendencies are important steps towards conscious pleasure. If despite everything the uneasiness remains, speaking to a sex therapist or a couples therapist could be a helpful option. This type of professional can help to resolve issues linked to convictions that can be limiting, deep rooted fears or traumas, and can also propose practical exercises that are adapted to each individual situation.

Cunnilingus, although extremely popular in erotic imagery, is not essential for a satisfactory sex life. You can easily feel arousal and be brought to orgasm by other means, such as; how-to-finger-a-woman, the use of sex toys, a sensual massage, penetration (with or without foreplay), kisses on other erogenous zones, etc.

The most important thing is to maintain a bond with your partner and stay creative in the bedroom. If cunnilingus remains a no-go activity, it’s pointless to continue forcing things or seeing it as something that’s missing and therefore destined to ruin everything. It’s better for couples to find balance and mutual pleasure in activities that work better for them.

Not enjoying being eaten out is nothing abnormal nor blameworthy. Each person has a different body, mind and backstory. What’s important is working out whether this aversion stems from fear, lack of technique or a deeper need for protection and trust. Sometimes one little adjustment or improved communication can alleviate or completely remove this discomfort. Other times, it’s a question of accepting that certain things just aren’t your style and choosing to be comfortable with this, without feeling guilty about it.

Sex should be a moment for pleasure and well-being, free from obligation or forced acting. By daring to tell your partner how you feel, you’re allowing yourself to build intimacy based on listening, complicity and consent. Whether it’s a question of a temporary problem or a more definitive no, only you know what works for your mind and body. Self respect is often the first step to a fulfilling sex life.