Dead Bedroom Relationships: Why Sexual Intimacy Fades and What You Can Do About It

It’s a common issue for couples who’ve been together for years—the frequency of sex dwindles, and sometimes so does the intensity of your encounters. Think back to those early days when your bedroom felt like your favourite playground, and you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. But what happens when that fiery passion doesn’t just flicker—it goes out completely?

We’re not talking about the odd Saturday night when sex gets squeezed between errands and your Netflix queue. No, this is about months, even years, of no physical intimacy at all. If that sounds all too familiar, you may be experiencing a Dead Bedroom relationship. But why do DB relationships happen? Is it possible to revive a flagging sex life, or is it time to accept things as they are?

No worries, the LOVE Team is here to help you work through the challenges and share some practical advice to reignite that intimate spark that feels like a distant memory.

The term "Dead Bedroom" was coined on Reddit, specifically on the subreddit r/DeadBedrooms. The DB forum acts as a support group for people struggling with a lack of sexual intimacy in their relationships. The posts there often paint a raw, painful picture: "My wife hasn’t wanted to have sex since our child was born," "We haven’t touched each other in six months," "It’s been years since we stopped sharing a bed."

As surprising as it might seem, this situation is far more common than most people realise. Of course, it’s natural for the frequency of sex to decline over time. In your twenties, life is often simpler, with fewer responsibilities and more opportunities for a quick sex session. But even in long-term relationships, sex remains a crucial part of a healthy partnership. When it disappears completely, problems can quickly arise.

Beyond the biological and emotional effects of a lack of physical intimacy – like the natural need for touch or the stress relief that good partner play provides – sex plays an important role in a couple’s dynamic. It’s an expression of affection, a way to feel desired, and a reminder that your partner still sees you in that light. Without it, self-esteem and psychological wellbeing can take a significant hit.

Yet, many couples find themselves trapped in this type of situation, often feeling hopeless, as the many Redditors hanging around DB can attest. Before despair takes hold, you should step back and explore the reasons behind your growing distance. Here’s the good news: it’s totally possible to rebuild a fulfilling, intimate life together.

A Dead Bedroom relationship can arise for a host of reasons, often linked to life circumstances or changes within the relationship itself. Here are some of the most common factors behind this situation:

Think back to the early days of your relationship—those spontaneous moments when you’d lose hours, even days, in each other’s arms. Fast forward to now, and the things are looking a little different. Busy careers, household responsibilities, and endless to-do lists can leave little room for intimacy. Sometimes, you barely pass each other in the kitchen, let alone the bedroom. When sex falls to the bottom of your priorities, it has a way of disappearing altogether.

The arrival of children can change everything. When you’ve got little ones at home, carving out uninterrupted couple time can feel like an impossible task. Add in the physical and emotional shifts that come with Fatigue—relentless and all-consuming in the early months (or years)—only makes it harder to find the energy or desire for sex.

Your mood has a direct impact on your sex drive. When dealing with depression—whether caused by life events or mental health struggles—the desire for intimacy can fade. In some cases, medical treatments (like antidepressants) can also dampen sexual appetite. During these tough periods, physical closeness is often the last thing on your mind as you focus on personal challenges.

After years together, the initial spark may not burn as brightly. Bodies change over time, and those changes can sometimes alter how we perceive our partners. This could stem from physical differences—like weight gain or the natural signs of ageing—or even from seeing more of the less glamorous, everyday sides of one another. Desire can ebb and flow, but when it dwindles for too long, it can contribute to a Dead Bedroom dynamic.

Sometimes, a lack of intimacy in the relationship happens because one partner is sexually active—just not within the couple. Whether it’s through consensual polyamory or hidden infidelity, a partner satisfying their needs elsewhere can reduce their interest in maintaining physical closeness at home.

Finally, it’s worth recognising that some partners may go through a phase where sex no longer holds the same place in their lives. This could be temporary, triggered by stress or exhaustion, or it might represent a longer-term shift. With age or changing experiences, some people may identify as asexual or find they’re less inclined to seek out sexual connection.

Getting out of a Dead Bedroom relationship can feel daunting, but there are thoughtful, practical steps you can take to rebuild intimacy with your partner. Here are some suggestions to help you reconnect on a deeper level:

There’s no need to rush straight into the bedroom after talking things over. Rebuilding your sex life often starts with small, meaningful gestures. Hold your partner’s hand during a movie, offer a spontaneous hug, or steal a kiss just because. These little acts of affection are a gentle way to remind your partner that you’re still physically and emotionally drawn to them.

It might sound less than romantic, but if lack of time is the issue, planning an intimate date could be just what you need. Block out an evening or even an hour in your diaries to spend together, free from distractions. It doesn’t have to lead to penetrative sex—it’s more about creating a space for physical affection and connection. Use this time to explore each other’s desires and rediscover what makes you both feel good, without any pressure.

If the drop in libido feels temporary, why not explore some natural ways to reignite the desire between you? Certain foods, like dark chocolate, oysters, and ginger, are known for their aphrodisiac properties and can heighten your senses. Regular exercise can also work wonders by increasing endorphins and boosting energy levels. There are even natural supplements designed to enhance sexual vitality, which may help you ease back into the mood.

Sometimes, a rut in the bedroom stems from routine. Adding a bit of role play can be a fun way to break out of that cycle. Playing out a scenario or taking on a new persona allows you to see your partner in a fresh light. It’s a playful way to create excitement, making it feel like you’re exploring something completely new—while still deepening your bond.

For couples who are struggling to find physical connection, exploring new ways to enjoy each other can be a game-changer. Sex toys provide a fun, pressure-free way to rediscover each other’s erogenous zones. Browse an online sex shop together and pick something you’re both curious about. Introducing a bit of novelty can breathe fresh life into your relationship and spark a sense of playfulness.

If you’ve tried everything but can’t seem to break through the intimacy barrier, there are still more daring solutions to consider. These options may feel bold, but they can sometimes provide a way forward. Here are a few paths to explore when the situation feels hopeless.

If you’re out of ideas or your conversations aren’t enough to resolve the issue, seeking help from a sex therapist could be the next step. These professionals can guide you toward solutions you may not have considered and act as a neutral mediator. They can help both partners express frustrations and expectations in a safe, supportive space. Often, an expert’s external perspective can spark a positive shift in your relationship dynamics.

If therapy doesn’t address the needs of both partners, it may be time to explore less conventional options. Opening the relationship—though challenging—could be a solution for some couples. This involves allowing the partner seeking sexual intimacy to fulfil those needs outside the relationship while maintaining the primary bond. However, this path requires crystal-clear communication, mutual trust, and well-defined boundaries to safeguard each partner’s emotional wellbeing.

In some cases, deep incompatibilities between partners make reconciliation on an intimate level impossible. If one partner is deeply distressed by the lack of intimacy while the other no longer feels the same need, it may be time to consider a separation. While ending a relationship is never easy, it can sometimes be the most respectful and compassionate choice, giving both individuals the chance to seek fulfilment and happiness elsewhere.

These more radical solutions should never be approached lightly. What matters most is tackling them with love, respect, and honesty—both with yourself and your partner. Whether you choose to seek professional help, explore new relationship dynamics, or part ways, the ultimate goal is to find a path that allows both of you to rediscover balance and personal fulfilment.